


Things You Said

by stott183



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/F, also idk about the end fair warning, the boys are mentioned a little, this is just me being angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:58:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7424635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stott183/pseuds/stott183
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley remembers them in snapshots, and memories burn like the sun behind her eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things You Said

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts from a series of 'things you said' that circulated for a while. Just in the order they were in originally, but all from different points from high school to after college.

_things you said at 1 am ___  
“Go to bed, honey.” That was your only response to me telling you I love you I love you I love you until the words sound like gibberish but mean the same to me still. Mean more than friendly reassurance. But you sound so serious and I am so tired so I listen. (I hear you say it back as I fall asleep. You sound so very sad.)  
  
_things you said through your teeth ___  
“Go on you date with Ranger Rick, Riley.” You have never sounded so angry. I barely make out the words over the grinding on your teeth. The finality of your words sounds like a door closing. You have obviously been crying and Lucas wouldn’t mind if I canceled because of you. You haven’t called him Lucas in so long. ( The door you close with your forceful words was so full of hope, but your voice is shaking and the door is slamming.)  
  
_things you said too quietly ___  
“I love you too, you know.” You say this as I start to go to my next class. You are not speaking about our room full of elephants and trying desperately to force bravery onto your features. I am near tears with sadness and frustration because I have never wanted anything more than you to be happy. I had told you I love you as I walked away. (You say it too quietly and I do not turn around.)  
  
_things you said over the phone ___  
“I’m going, Riley. I have to.” You think running away will fix you. You think running away will quash all these feelings we can’t control because no matter how many people in your life say love is love you still only hear your father leaving. All these years later you are still the reason he left. You think California, think completing the Clutterbucket legacy and not ending up still in New York, a knocked-up 20 year old with no family to speak of like May. (I find you at the bus stop at 11 at night, shivering in this December cold. It always gets worse around the holidays, your tendency toward leaving.)  
  
_things you didn’t say at all ___  
“I’m in love with Riley Matthews” is all your art screams. There is a portrait of me in just shades of purple hanging on your bedroom wall. But you will not say it. Because to you I am the sun and you are the moon and reflections of warmth don’t feel, just exist. But I do not know how to tell you we have switched positions, that I now sit in your shadow and reflect your light in awe. So I just keep saying I love you and you just keep sighing it back. (I am worried about how many you blind with your beauty. I will not lose you to the stars.)  
  
_things you said under the stars and in the grass ___  
“I wonder where Pluto is.” Pluto is here, on this campsite laying next to me in the woods. Pluto snuck down from the top bunk of our rented RV and snuck us out the tiny window in the bathroom because the door creaks and Pluto was feeling restless. Pluto is starting to feel just as far away as the stars, but tonight, away from all the distractions, Pluto is the closest it’s been yet. Tonight, deeper in space than a human has ever been, a camera is getting clearer pictures of Pluto than we’ve ever had. Here, on the ground, I am getting pictures of you in a flower crown under the moonlight. (I can’t decide which is more beautiful and hopeful.)  
  
_things you said while we were driving ___  
“I love this song!” You are yelling and cranking your playlist in the beat-up blue two door I got for my birthday. I am driving, hands gripping the wheel like a lifeline. New York traffic is crazy and there’s a reason almost no one drives. Or sleeps. And here I am, at 11 at night in August on the only semi-calm road in Greenwich Village trying to navigate you back to my house after going out with the boys. And you are listening New Americana and singing along with your head thrown back and I should not be looking at you while I’m driving. Because my driving instructor told me that looking into the sun can blind you for 6 seconds. I think I’ve been blind since I was six, since the first time I looked at you. (I pretend I do not recognize the album just to keep you talking in that beautiful voice of yours.)  
  
_things you said when you were crying ___  
“I’ll be fine.” Over and over and over. (Nothing else.)  
  
_things you said when i was crying ___  
“I’m here.” Over and over and over. (Your eyes said everything else.)  
  
_things you said that made me feel like shit ___  
“I love him.” Your eyes are shining and he looks a little too much like Lucas Friar. Or shattered dreams. I cannot tell the difference between people and the way they made you feel, anymore. I will not learn his name, or age, only what you show in art and what he leaves behind. (You are the only thing I know.)  
  
_things you said when you were drunk ___  
“I love you, Riley Matthews. Let’s run away and get married.” You do not remember in the morning, blinking at me, beautiful and groggy. Farkle is sympathetic and Lucas and Zay look scared. I pretend that does not sting to see your shining face wiped of my love. (I think there are a million wasps under my skin.)  
  
_things you said when you thought i was asleep ___  
“I am so scared to love you. I am a broken thing and you do not need to cut yourself on my edges.” I keep pretending to be asleep. The scars on my palms from your edges are invisible to you, but I see them. I am not afraid of blood in love. (I will bleed out for you, and I wonder if we are both shattered in some way.)  
  
_things you said at the kitchen table ___  
“I’m no good, and you love it.” Dad has made another comment about us getting into trouble over breakfast. You smile your smug smile and sling your arm around me. I say of course I love you and you beam like the sun you are. If my parents see the love love love pain pain pain in my eyes, Dad does not show it. I think Mom winces, but she has always been more observant. (I do not know how to explain that you are the worst trouble I’ve gotten myself into and I didn’t even need help.)  
  
_things you said after you kissed me ___  
“I- I’m sorry. I have to leave.” You are out the window before I can say anything. My head is spinning and all I can think is that you tasted like vanilla chapstick. I have never wanted anything more than I want to kiss you again. I crawl out the window after you. I notice it is cold again, and I think you like to flee when it can frost. (When I find you we are both blue lipped and red cheeked in a park. I have never seen you more relieved.)  
  
_things you said with too many miles between us ___  
“I’ll just quit college and live off you forever.” You say it over crackly FaceTime on a Tuesday night. It has been three months and four hours is proving too wide a barrier for people who are used to being attached at the hip. Fancy art college is not enticing enough to keep you there and the intellectuals are too much for me. We spend the rest of the night daydreaming of running away together. (This is how I spend most of my time.)  
  
_things you said with no space between us ___  
“Good god, you will kill me.” We are centimeters apart and you say this with a gasp between kisses. All I see is your hair and all I hear is your voice and all I smell is you, home and citrus perfume. You have completely taken over my senses and we are good. We are more than good. We are gods, reckless and wild and immortal. (We are against a wall in my childhood bedroom.)  
  
_things you said that i wish you hadn't ___  
“We can’t really run away, pumpkin.” I want to so much. Everything is too much and I keep seeing things in your eyes when you talk about people in your classes. I mistake awe for love and I need to get away. I cannot get away from this here and you remind me we need to graduate and you can’t fix what you run away from. (This is the scariest role reversal we’ve had this month.)  
  
_things you said when you were scared ___  
“We never should have done this.” This is how I know it is the fear talking. We may have screwed up a lot of things, but I know we would never regret us. Your father is back again and you are scared because you think I want you to forgive him like I did when we were young. But expect nothing of the sort from you. I just want you to be happy. I do not know how to say all of this so I just grab your hand. (We walk into a hurricane holding hands and walk out holding hands and that is the only important thing.)  
  
_things you said when we were the happiest we ever were ___  
“You are golden, Riley Matthews. You hear me? Golden.” We are having a picnic and the sun is setting over our rock in the park. It has been a day like the movies, and I am in a red checked dress. My feet are dangling off the edge of the sun warmed boulder. The sun is hitting my face perfectly and my head is thrown back in laughter. I only know this because the sketch you drew of me that day turned into a painting that won you an award at a local art show. (I could have described you in perfect detail too, but I am still looking for the words.)  
  
_things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear ___  
“I don’t know if I can do this, Farkle.” You have been on the phone for what feels like hours and I have tried so hard to stay in the other room. We have been arguing for what feels like years. This is all I hear before I go out for a walk. It is freezing and snowy but brisk air clears a mind. (It doesn’t clear mine. I spend it praying you weren’t talking about us.)  
  
_things you said when we were on top of the world ___  
“I’m never coming down!” We are on some mountain in Greece whose name I can’t pronounce. We are finally backpacking through Europe the way we promised. You are standing on the edge of the mountain arms outstretched toward the sky. Your hair's blowing in the wind and your knapsack looks worn and relaxed over your shoulder. Our tour guide is chuckling at your antics. You look so free, careless and thriving. It is the prettiest picture I have ever seen. (I will say that a thousand times this trip and wish I was the artist every time. Maybe then you could love yourself the way I love you but for now I'll settle for snapping a picture on this disposable camera.)  
  
_things you said after it was over ___  
“We were never good for each other. You hear me, Riley? You can’t live in sentences. Snapshots of moments are not a life, they’re a death sentence. We were passionate and in love, but we were also a time bomb. Don’t hide that from yourself. Don’t hide the fact you got too close to see straight. It just means you still are. Live the life you deserve, but don’t live like this. Like these notes to a past self. I’m still your best friend. And I’m telling you it’s still your world. Still our world.” I’m trying to listen. To take your advice. To take on the world. It’s going okay. I miss you even when you are close. But I’m learning and that’s what matters. Right? Right? (I’m being eaten away from the inside out but the gnawing is numbing and that’s all I can ask. Goodbye Maya Hart. My Heart.)


End file.
